My Ideal Idea

This is my fantasy that has nothing whatsoever to do with reality, so indulge me. I’d love to live in downtown Franklin. I realize that the monthly rent on one of the apartments on Main Street is more than my car is worth and the houses are probably in the 7-figure range, but one can dream, right?

I’d be able to take a late night stroll down Main Street whenever I felt like it. I wouldn’t have to worry about fighting the nightmarish traffic during one of the festivals, ’cause I’d already be there. I’d just have to walk down a flight of stairs or out my front door.

By the way, this fantasy involves me coming into a large sum of money via either the lottery or some distant rich relative who dies and leaves all his vast wealth to me. While we’re talking realistically, that is.

There’s a stone house with a red door that I could see myself living in if the apartment thing doesn’t work out. It looks quaint and cozy and should probably come with a lifetime supply of earl gray tea and fuzzy bunny slippers.

And if this dream does happen to come true, you are all invited to visit me in my new setting. Just not all at the same time because of limited parking.

PS I am accepting donations toward making this dream come true. You can give cash or checks, but no credit cards (at least not yet). Your gifts will be greatly appreciated and you will get first dibs on visiting me in my new pad.

 

Tacky Christmas Sweater Update

I just wanted to update you on my quest for the perfectly tacky Christmas sweater. I got nothin’.

I’ve been frequenting the Goodwills and other thrift stores in the 15-mile radius and haven’t seen anything that meets my exacting standards. Not even close.

I found a really awesome one on ebay (the one pictured in my last blog about Christmas sweaters), but it was selling for somewhere in the neighborhood of $90, which is entirely too much to spend on something that I might wear once or twice a year.

In my mind, I was going to walk into Goodwill and there it would be, standing out with a mysterious spotlight shining on it. Kinda like the Christmas tree in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. It was going to be my size and it was going to be ridiculously cheap.

Unfortunately, hardly anything ever works out in reality like it does in my imaginings. So here I am, Christmas sweater-less and getting more and more desperate.

Here’s my plea to you, gentle readers. If you have a tacky Christmas sweater you’re willing to part with, let me know. I can make arrangements and give you details (like where to send said holiday apparel) and even work out some sort of bartering system.

I know I can count on you. But just in case this falls through, I have a back-up plan. Technically, it’s not a sweater, but it captures the essence of the whole tacky Christmas sweater spirit. And it came from Target for the very reasonable price of $5.

Why I Am Not a Professional Card Player

 

I have finally come to the realization. I will never be one of those guys on ESPN making the big bucks playing poker. I will retain my amateur status as a nertz card game player.

What is nertz? Suffice to say that it is an insanely fast card game that requires fast reflexes. And a bit of a killer instinct. Both of which are sadly lacking in my case.

Tonight, I finished in 4th place. Out of 4 players. I don’t think even cheating would have helped me in this game. There were times when I ended up with more cards than I started out with, even though I’m sure that’s mathematically impossible.

Too bad there’s not professional freecell. I’m much better at that game, mostly because I’m the only one playing and it requires no dexterity or quick thinking or killer instinct.

Maybe if I started snacking on Ruffles potato chips with ranch dip, I’d do better. On second thought . . . . nah.

 

An Ode to the Last Twinkie on Earth

If you skim the headlines, you may get the impression that the twinkie, that perfect little concoction from Hostess with no actual food ingredients, is going away forever. You might be one of those who are hoarding up on the tasty little snacks in anticipation of the demise of Hostess and the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

I myself bought two boxes.

But before you give in to despair, read a little closer. Twinkies aren’t going away. In all likelihood, some other company will buy the rights to the brand and start making their own twinkies. And they will be just as bad for you and just as loaded with preservatives and ingredients that you can’t possibly pronounce as the current incarnation. And they will be just as tasty.

If, God forbid, twinkies should cease to exist, then the unthinkable might actually happen. No, I don’t mean an invasion by zombies or a crisis of cataclysmic and global proportions. I mean you and I might just have to start eating healthy. Egads.

Wanted: One Tacky Christmas Sweater

This is a bit of a departure for me. Normally, I write about deep spiritual matters or frivolous feline facts. I write about good books that I have read or good movies that I’ve seen. But not now.

I come to you, my good readers, with a request. I am in need of one tacky Christmas sweater, pronto. I cannot emphasize enough the tacky part. It needs to be TACKY.

LOUD colors would be a plus. Also, any kind of bells or lights or anything that makes festive noises or is just obnoxiously cheerful. It must be a size Large and I prefer if it’s a men’s sweater.

If you need help visualizing what I’m looking for, check out the picture I’ve inserted at the top of this blog. When I wear this bad boy, I want to be seen from a mile away and I want there to be no mistake about what kind of tacky sweater I’m wearing. Although I’m fairly certain there are no tacky sweaters for the other major holidays.

There is no redeeming spiritual or intellectual value to this blog. It’s kinda like verbal cotton candy. Every now and then, you need cotton candy to make you feel better, even though it has no actual food ingredients that I’m aware of.

Donations are also welcome. I take American Express, Visa, Mastercard, cash, checks, or any other kind of legal tender (except for Confederate or Canadian money).

That is all. Carry on about your normal Saturday business as usual.

And this blog will self-destruct in 5 seconds (just kidding).

PS The world won’t cease to exist if I don’t get my tacky Christmas sweater, but if you have one or know of one, let me know. Contact me at GMendel72@united.net for further instructions.

PPS Thanks in advance.

 

Updates on Lucy

 

Lucy is my cat. Or I guess it’s more fitting to say that I’m her person.

Either way, she will turn 13 next year, which makes her a teenager.

She’s already got that part down. She never listens to me when I talk to her and most of the time when I try to tell her anything, she just looks at me like, “Dude, whatever,” and walks off.

At least she’s not turning 16 yet. When that does happen, drivers of the world, beware.

 

Cat Naps

I don’t know where they came up with the term “cat nap,” because it certainly doesn’t apply to Lucy the Wonder Kitty. Lemme explain.

Cat naps are supposed to be short yet invigorating naps, usually lasting from 15-30 minutes. Maybe up to an hour. I’m not sure on the technicalities.

The point is that Lucy takes marathon naps. Like as in if napping were an Olympic sport, she’d be a multiple gold medal winner every four years. She has taken the nap to a new level.

Her usual day is one long nap interrupted by getting up to eat or use the litterbox. She has about 15 or so minutes of exercise and probably an hour’s worth of contemplating the mysteries of the universe (and telling no one). The rest of the time is strictly devoted to kitty dreams, probably which involve her getting to boss me around for a change.

She does like to vary it up a little bit. I like to tell people that she sleeps around. Literally. She takes naps in different places, depending on her mood and easy access. And most of all, comfort.

I suppose when you’re whatever the human equivalent of 12 cat years is, you can sleep that much, too.

 

 

All Things British

I have a confession to make. Like most people, I talk to myself. Out loud. But I take it one awesome step further. I like to talk to myself in a British accent. It kinda makes me feel smarter and more suave.

I love accents of all kinds. British, Irish, Scottish, Austrailian. . . . it doesn’t matter. I like ‘em all. There’s just something about an accent that’s not American that appeals to me, probably because I don’t hear it every day.

I’m not saying I’m particularly good at accents. When I talk to myself in my British accent, it sounds like I’m from all over the country. One moment I might sound gentrified and upper-class, one moment I might sound Cockney. It just depends on what movie I’ve been watching lately.

One day, I will make it to England and Scotland and Ireland. I hope to visit some of the villages and smaller towns and take in the scenery and have bangers and mash and fish and chips and (if I’m brave enough) even haggis. But I’ll stick to my own American accent, so no one gets embarrased.

I wonder sometimes if someone from England ever walks around talking to him (or her)self with an American accent, although I can’t imagine why. What would be the fun in that?

A Day in Downtown Franklin

I think I’ve made it clear that one of my happy places is downtown Franklin, especially on a weekened where there aren’t too many folks wandering about. Another is whenever I’m sitting down and Lucy the wonder cat is in my lap, but that’s for another blog for another day.

I started off with a meal at McCreary’s Irish Pub, probably my favorite place to eat in downtown Franklin. It wasn’t the best meal I ever had there, but it was good. I had fun tipping the server more than I paid for the meal. I hope she was pleasantly surprised.

I sat in an old church while a guy was playing organ music, probably in preparation for Sunday. I think I heard a little bit of heaven then.

I went over to check on my favorite house there. It’s a stone cottage with a red door. It says, “You need to live here.” Or more accurately, “You need to win the lottery or have a very rich relative kick the bucket and leave you gads of money so you can afford to live here.”

I was standing on the corner of Main Street just in front of Starbucks when I looked up and around and noticed that I was in an entourage with Toby Mac and Gabe-Real and a few others. I was the proverbial fly on the wall (or in this case, fly in jeans and a cool t-shirt).

I love the fact that they’ve fixed up the old Franklin Theatre to show old movies (and some newer ones, too). I love seeing the classics on the big screen. I even have tickets to see Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid on Sunday and The Artist next Friday, if anyone is in the area and wants to join me.

Is there a point to all this? Not really, unless it’s a plug for historic Downtown Franklin. Maybe it’s just a reminder to stop and smell those roses every once and a while. I actually did that recently (with an actual rose, no less). You should try it.

Go and live in the abundant grace of God that never ceases and still continues to amaze.

 

What’s on Your MP3 Player?

I have a Zune MP3 player. I think they’ll be the next big thing and eventully rule the competition. Of course, people said the same thing about Beta-Max and HD-DVDs. Not to mention New Coke, which I actually liked back in the day.

I have my Zune set on random, so I get a very interesting variety of music on any given day. For example, I listed 20 songs that came up in order:

1. Heaven’s My Home- Sam & Ruby

2. Low- Coldplay

3. The World’s Not Falling Apart- Dar Williams

4. Coconuts- Widespread Panic

5. Boom Boppa Boom- Jimmy Vaughn

6. Easy to Love – Ella Fitzgerald

7. You Ain’t Going Nowhere- Bob Dylan

8. All I Can Do Is Write About It- Lynyrd Skynyrd

9. Jigsaw Falling Into Place- Radiohead

10. In God’s Country- U2

11. The Night Time Is the Right Time- Creedence Clearwater Revival

12. Only a Memory- The Smithereens

13. Stone in Love- Journey

14. Eight Days a Week- The Beatles

15. Thriller- Michael Jackson

16. Let the Mystery Be- 10,000 Maniacs

17. 10 Rocks-Shelby Lynne

18. Able- Needtobreathe

19. Better Days- Robbie Seay Band

20. Journey into the Morn- Iona

I have an eclectic mix of classic rock, oldies, Christian, and Americana music. I also have 40′s big band, easy listening, country, rap, folk, disco, pop, and a few other styles of music represented.

What are you listening to on your iPod or other MP3 of choice? If you selected random mode and hit play, what would be the first 10 songs that would come up?

Inquiring ears want to know.

20. ion